My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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