It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
