I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
