I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
We got so high we made milksteak
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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