Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
