I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
