Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
