She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
