I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
