i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
