I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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