I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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