2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
