i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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