I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
