one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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