So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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