Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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