i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Randomize
