it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
