Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
