final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
