I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
