We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
