my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
