I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
