I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
