but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize