Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
