6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
