So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
