it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
