Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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