his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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