peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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