Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
