and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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