Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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