how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
