Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he puts the penis in happiness.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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