well I can't set my house on fire every night
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
