Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
