We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Randomize
