I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
