Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
