They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
