my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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