wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't deserve a penis
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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