he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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