the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
