I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
