Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize