I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
