i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
