Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize