Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
