I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
