While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
