Soap is not a condiment
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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