My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
