I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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