Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
