I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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