Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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