I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
