I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
