If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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