pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
