rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
